The topic of “cold approaching” girls for dates is controversial and varied. Many PUA (Pick-up Artist) Coaches encourage men to get accustomed to marching up to girls, flirting with them in one way or another, and then going for the “close” – that is, asking for her number (or Instagram page), or whatever.
This method is flawed on many levels, all of which have to deal with the pragmatic issues concerning cold-approaches. Cold-approaching a woman as a complete stranger is sure to carry with it a fair amount of social anxiety. This anxiety is not at all unfounded. Put yourself in the girl’s shoes, “Who is this guy?” “I’m just minding my own business,” or – if she’s a waitress, “I’m just trying to do my job.. I hate that guys are always hitting on me.”
If you don’t like marching up to girls out of nowhere, and then fumbling for the right things to say, please know that you are not alone. In my hundreds of hours of experimentation in day-game in-field, I can confirm with 99% certainty that – despite what women say – no, they do not want to be approached out of nowhere – may that be at the gas station, at a coffee shop or at the grocery store. This does not mean that they (girls) don’t notice guys that they find attractive at any or all of these places, it simply means that we (men) need to find better ways to recognize these queues, or come up with softer ways (openers) that allow us to explore the topic of flirtation that doesn’t involve so much risk, awkwardness and harsh rejection.
Finding a Welcome Social Context & Environment
I have found that the best way to overcome anxiety with pick-up is to ignore anything relating to sexual goals for the time-being. This advice runs contrary to most PUA’s who tell you that the key to success with women is “ABC – Always Be Closing.” This is a sales-oriented tactic that ignores the fundamental issue facing most men – the fear and anxiety of approaching women you don’t know. Layer on top of that any pressure you’re giving yourself to “always push for a close,” and you’ve just talked yourself out of The Game.
So, let’s talk about context and setting. Are you in an environment where socializing is easy, casual and welcomed? I recently went to a daytime pool party at a local hotel. They had a DJ spinning some great house music, so everybody was just there to enjoy their time at the pool, have a few drinks and dance a little. The great thing about daytime social events is that they lack the “heaviness” of nighttime dance clubs. The people tend to be more relaxed, less concerned with posturing themselves by appearance (such as when women overdress to flaunt their sexual power at nightclubs), etc.
“Hey, I’m __ .. are you having a good time?”
There’s no goal, no perceived ulterior motive, just good vibes. That’s what I’d like you to practice, taking the anxiety out of it, cultivating a good mood, and spreading good positive well-wishes to your fellow human beings. Maybe it sounds cheesy and woo-woo, but it fucking works. At the very same pool party, two girls (I’d rate them both at solid 8/10’s) with this same approach. I then asked them to play pool volleyball with me and a buddy of mine, after that we talked in the pool for a while – asked for the number of one of them and got it.
The lesson here is – you can feel people out. Lead with a positive mood, good vibes, and always match the social context. Music provides for great social context, because everybody is there to enjoy the same thing.
As the great business leader Peter Drucker famously said, “What gets measured, gets managed.” So, let’s manage your fears and anxieties with just approaching and opening girls – SAVE the closing part for later, because that COMES later. In order to close, you need to be able to open, so don’t put the cart before the horse.
Let’s manage your fear by experimenting with how reasonable it is after doing 10 of these approaches. Keep in mind, these aren’t the brutal, difficult kinds of “cold approaches,” they’re just casual conversations between two party-goers, so let’s keep it to concerts, outdoor events, daytime parties, etc. Of these 10, “Hey how’s it going, are you enjoying the music?” Keep track of how many girls brutally reject you. You’ll find that it’s, at most, 1-2 out of every 10 girls, meaning that the overwhelming majority, safely 8 out of 10, are welcoming, perfectly friendly, and happy to talk to you. The fear rationally unfounded and without any basis in reality.
Because you aren’t overtly hitting on anyone, you have a good “out” in case she has a boyfriend. In which case, I have found that these are beautiful opportunities to make good friends. You’ll find that a huge component to Game, and one that I discuss often, is increasing your social standing by way of friends and widening your social circle. Friends give you an opportunity to qualify with more girls (single friends of your new friends), as well as giving you new opportunities to get invited to things that you didn’t know about before. It’s also a great confidence-builder to have buddies to with you to bars, clubs and social events – it’s rough flying alone.
Thus, when you’re flying alone, your first order of business should be to improve your social standing by becoming more popular and making as many good, positive friends as possible. You do this by spreading good intentions, maintaining good social context and spreading good vibes. It is not up to other people to overcome your layers of anxieties, defense mechanisms and layers of resistance to find the “real you” underneath all that armor.
Social anxiety and debilitating shyness are often the result of past childhood trauma. As a personal example from my own history, I was teased as a “geek” and a “nerd” from elementary school all the way through high school. Once I moved out on my own, I had internalized this social anxiety and fear of rejection to the point where I found it very difficult to socialize, approach girls or make friends. These emotional artifacts from your past need to get tossed into the nearest trash can as quickly as possible. The best way for you to overcome these past issues is for you to face your fears and realize that you are not playing by the same set of rules anymore. The people that you interact with today are not the same as the people who abused and rejected you in the past. New context, new rules.
Side-shots and the Indirect Approach
There’s a problem with going straight for the jugular with women – they have strong defenses against it, and they know what you’re up to. Women take advantage of this situation regularly. The next time you’re at a nightclub, pay close attention to the extent to which women dress provocatively. They spend hours perfecting their hair, makeup, clothing and jewelry. They’re getting themselves ready for a fun evening – one that involves not paying for a single drink, and often times free admission to any club that they want. Women know the sexual power that they have over men. Nightclubs serve to women’s advantages – men will hit on them, and they will get a nice ego-boost and feeling of SMV self-worth out of it. They’ll collect lots of phone numbers from men and block them all, all while giving us desperate sperm-donors a sense of false hope and collecting a limitless supply of free drinks. Yes, there is a way to win at clubs, which involves becoming the best dancer or DJ in the joint, but I’ll save that for a later post!
So the nightclub/bar scene is not an impossible place to Game, but it poses unique challenges for the neophyte PUA, and when you’re starting out I think these difficulties should be avoided. If you’re at the beginning and you’re struggling with anxiety with approaches, you have to start somewhere. The best place to start is a friendlier environment where some flirtation goes on, but that isn’t the primary context.
In summary about Social Context
- It should be friendly, music or activity-oriented and welcoming.
- Your opener should be warm and positive, such as “do you like this band,” etc.
- Pay attention to your emotional state, which should be positive, outgoing and giving. You’re just here to spread good vibes and make friends. Dating falls into place AFTER that.
Like all of us who have struggled with approaching girls, you’ve probably stumbled around a bit with going for the phone-number-close. Chances are, when you’ve been rejected, that happened because you asked blindly and weren’t able to read her body language or verbal queues. These queues should clue you in to whether you should continue to press for a close or walk away and save yourself the trouble of rejection.
- Ask her a question, such as “what do you do for work?” and see how polite she is and if she asks you a question in return. If she just answers the question and looks away, you’re in the process of being rejected. Tell her “have a great day” and walk away.
- Look for body language queues, such as smiling. Does she turn toward or away from you? Does she look at you or does she look away?
- The best queue for acceptance is if she escalates, for example, if you ask her one question and she response with five questions, you’re in good shape.
- If she has a boyfriend, look for an opportunity to make friends instead of seeing it as a loss – the ultimate expression of social confidence! You ask her, “do you want to hang out sometime?” She responds with, “sorry, but I have a boyfriend..” Your response: “oh cool, do you GUYS go to a lot of concerts like this?” Make friends, then game HER friends. Since you’ll be in her social circle, you’ll be instantly regarded as socially-qualified to any female friends that they know. Easy.
The Social Sales Funnel
This final point should help you solidify your Frame and how you go ask out girls. Randomly cold-approaching girls does not give you the opportunity to qualify her as a lead or gauge her interest level. If you do so in an environment where the context is contrary to socialization, then the risk of awkwardness and rejection is high. Social context is extremely important, because almost 100% of the people in a positive-social environment will be open to the first step in your “funnel” which is Friendly Conversation.
Thus, the social funnel as it relates to picking up girls, always works like this:
- Social Context
- Friendly Conversation
- Establishing Rapport
- Number Close
Social Context and Friendly Conversation are easy to do when the time and place are welcoming and conducive to it. As I discussed before, typical “pick up places” like bars and clubs are very difficult because your Game will be very obvious, the girls are well prepared for it and are prepared to take advantage of it. Don’t spend money! Many women will pretend to flirt with you and act interested just to score a free drink or free admission to the club you’re about to walk in to. I’ve been to huge EDM rave events, where girls would walk up and down the ticket line trying to score a free ticket off the guys. The girls would pretend to flirt with them, even act like they would be his date for the evening if he would pay for her admission. Don’t fall for this masked-prostitution crap! If a girl is genuinely interested, then look for genuine signs if interest – which to a female means engaging and continuing conversation.
Establishing Rapport involves the natural, back-and-forth dialogue between two people. I once asked a girl about her work, she rolled her eyes at me and said “that question is so unoriginal…” To hell with her, right? I walked away. At another gathering, I asked another (and much hotter) girl the same question. She talked about her job and asked me all about mine for an hour and a half, and I got her number afterwards. You can see how the first girl was already in the process of rejecting, so bowed out rather than subject myself to any more of her bad attitude. The second one was trying to find out more about me and draw me in to conversation.
Dating is a social skill, plan and simple. To become better at asking girls out, and having more successful closes, means that your social skills need to account for Social Context, Social Setting, Queues and Rapport. As you begin to notice and work on these things, your Social Intelligence will actually be improving.
As with any skill, building Social Intelligence takes time, diligence and regular practice. There will always be jerky people, shitty girls and asshole guys that you will run into along the way. That is all a part of the Game, and the occasional bad person should not be used as an excuse to buy a rubber sex doll, check out of the game and go MGTOW. Socialization and sex are some of the best experiences that life has to offer. I encourage you to embrace it and begin building your Social Intelligence so that you can have a positive and rewarding dating life.