Success with Women (at last!) –Dominance Hierarchy Dating
It would be impossible to discuss the topic of manhood without discussing the nature of man’s relationship with women. For us men, victory in the sexual marketplace is an essential component of what makes us feel masculine, positive and worthy. Men who enjoy relationships with beautiful women feel more confident, more powerful and more capable in all other areas of our lives.
When it comes to dating, we’re living in the most difficult time for men ever seen in history. Blame technology: the smartphone era. Thanks to mobile-social apps like Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Tinder, Tik-tok and more, every woman now enjoys a sort of pseudo-celebrity. Even women who are ugly or morbidly obese are bombarded with messages and “likes” from desperate, horny dudes. YouTube has empowered a generation of females to be a “hot chick for a living;” whether they’re doing video game reviews, making political rants or selling their own bath water (it’s true), women enjoy more attention today than they haver have in history.
The result of all of this eThot-ism is that it goes straight to women’s heads in the form of arrogance. They all think they’re “the shit,” God’s greatest gift to the world. How many times have you seen an Instagram or dating profile pic of a woman boasting in images about everything that she does?
“I went on a hike today, aren’t I special?” or…
“I took an MMA class, I’m a badass chick!” or…
“I race motorcycles. #girlriders, #girlpower!” or…
“Look at me I’m at the gym!”
Each of these meaningless posts will have anywhere from 10 to 100 comments or more and just as many “likes.” Women crave attention, it validates their sense of beauty and their sense of sexual self-worth, and as I said – it comes quickly and easily for every woman with a smartphone today. Of course, the inevitable result of all of this comes with a lowering of men’s Sexual Market Value, or “SMV.” If every woman is bombarded with continuous male attention, what is male attention worth? Nothing! The truth of this is starting to come out in some troubling statistics, which show that over 20% of men age 20-30 find themselves unable to secure a regular sexual partner, and that number is only expected to increase.
We established that women enjoy more attention and undeserved positive feedback from others than they ever had before in history. I would argue that social media apps are a feminine medium, meaning that men don’t enjoy attention for its own sake in the same way that women do. Men crave results, women crave validation and attention – and they get it more freely than ever before. All of this digitized social validation goes straight to their heads, and you’ve probably noticed that in the way that the women around you act in real life. Women don’t act as politely or as feminine as they used to in the past. They’re brash, narcissistic, aggressive, and chock-full of arrogance and false pride. Combine this with the growing culture of Social-Justice leftism and angry, male-hating feminism, and we have the perfect storm for a dating apocalypse.
WHY MGTOW IS NOT A LONG-TERM STRATEGY
Here you are, a lonely adult career-man, trying to date and find a quality partner. The logical counter movement to the feminized state of the world is large portions of the male population checking out of the dating game entirely. It’s been called “The Great Sexodus,” or MGTOW – Men Going Their Own Way.
The MGTOW philosophy in of itself is quite diverse, but I would summarize it as a philosophy in which men decide to live their own life on their own terms and avoid relationships with women. The proponents of MGTOW have definitely thought things through and make a lot of valid points. Men get demolished in divorce court and in family court. Women today act like arrogant trash and don’t seem to give a damn whether they find a quality mate or not. Men are relegated to the digital backwaters of begging eThots for the slightest whiff of attention. It’s rough out there, men – in fact it’s never been rougher.
I do believe in what I call “MGTOW for now.” I’m sure it is something that get me flamed and crucified by the diehard MGTOW community, but it is my honest opinion. MGTOW has its definite value in short periods throughout life – such as resetting your life after a breakup, or after any major life change. It’s necessary and healthy to take a break from dating and women and focus on yourself for a few months or even for a year or two. I disagree with MGTOW as a workable and permanent lifestyle because we are simply not built to be alone for our entire lives. It’s in the Bible with the creation of Eve as a companion for Adam. The science even backs it up – loneliness is hazardous to your physical and mental health. MGTOW attempts to counter the sickness that is eThot culture with its own brand of sickness. You can’t combine sickness on both sides of the gender equation and wind up with wellness, it just never works that way.
As men, we are supposed to proactively pursue what we want in life, but MGTOW is entirely reactionary. Meaning, it is a lifestyle built purely as a reaction and a coping mechanism to the absolute nightmare that is dating today. MGTOW encourages men to check out of the dating game, to give up, and to “pursue what makes them happy instead.” Here’s the problem with that, a quality relationship with a woman that you are attracted to – could anything make you happier than that?
MGTOW offers a false presupposition, that long-lasting happiness for men is even possible in the total absence of relationships with women. In my experience, this is simply not the case. MGTOW’s followers aggressively defend their chosen lifestyle and belief systems, so much so that I have been flamed and threatened many times online for simply offering an intelligent critique of the movement. I think that this is a defensive reaction, much like how cult members like Scientologists become hyper-defensive and attack anyone who criticizes their movement. Anyone who reacts in this way must be very insecure about the validity of their own movement. MGTOW is not a lifestyle, and I would never recommend it, simply because my mission in life is to improve wellness for men. A man who shuns relationships with women and sexual conquest will never feel like a man, because he is not operating in a way that honors his male nature. So, we have a contradiction in terms, “Men” are encouraged to “Go Their Own Way,” but a man who is a loner and shuns women can never really be a “Man.” So much for that! If you’re honest with yourself, it isn’t what you really want anyway.
WHY “PICK-UP ARTISTRY” DOESN’T WORK
You’ve decided that you would like a relationship or (at minimum) more sex and dates with women. Enter: the pick-up gurus. They tell you that you need to hit the streets and chat-up every female that you’re attracted to. The rejection is ruthless and relentless, but they tell you, as the PUA called “Pook” used to say, “rejection is better than regret” and “it’s a numbers game.”
We already covered the mass trend of eThot-ism, that women now enjoy a continual bombardment of social validation from men via social media and dating apps. You might believe that a woman would value a real-life interaction more than all of this digitized attention-getting, but you’d be wrong. “Hey, I’m a real-live quality guy and I had the balls to walk up and talk to her, wouldn’t she value me more?” Sadly, this is untrue. Women enjoy the safety of their cell phones. They enjoy screening men from a distance. Being approached by random men only makes women uncomfortable. This is yet another instance of when you should never listen to what women say when they give men dating advice. “No, you should approach us,” they’ll say when asked, “You should totally introduce yourself at the coffee shop, or at Walmart, or in the grocery store, women want to be approached!” Lies, lies and all lies.
As I’ll cover more in-depth in this chapter, women are extremely concerned with how they will be perceived socially. They don’t want to come across as unapproachable, evil bitches. When women say, “you should totally approach us,” they are imagining the perfect guy approaching them. They should more accurately say, “I wish that guy would approach me,” in which they mentally substitute “that guy” for their perfect fantasy-man, perhaps Jason Momoa or Chris Hemsworth.
PUA’s are wrong to dismiss how painful and inconvenient the experience of continual rejection is for men. Those of us men who are more creative, intelligent and thoughtful will have a lot of negative emotions when it comes to risking this kind of humiliation over and over again in the name of getting a flaky phone number or two. A phone number just isn’t worth what it used to be anymore. Many times, a woman will prefer to give the phone number out and then immediately block the guy rather than risk saying “no” and having an argument with an angry, desperate guy on her hands.
I disagree with cold-approach pick-up artistry because women are hard-wired against sexual advances from random men, or what I call “Randos.” When you rely on cold-approaching women for dates, the deck is stacked against you. It’s like trying to roller skate uphill. I believe firmly that this isn’t the way that men and women are supposed to meet each other. Women are hard-wired against giving up their sexual availability to random dudes because women are supposed to feel like they’re the ones doing the selection. They need to feel like they picked the best guy out of the bunch. When you approach women, as PUA’s do, “treating women like they’re your sales-competition,” you are rubbing the entire system the wrong way.
SEXUAL SALES VS. SEXUAL MARKETING
Pick-up Artistry, or cold-approaching women, is much like door-to-door sales. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a door-to-door salesman, or a telemarketing call or text message, it shouldn’t be hard for you to remember how that felt about it. You were naturally a bit irritated and defensive, “this guy’s just trying to get my money,” you think to yourself. When I was fresh out of college, I tried working a few telemarketing sales jobs and I hated all of them. It seemed like there was only one kind of person who succeeded at sales, which were basically guys who weren’t sensitive or intelligent enough to let anything bother them.
The dating coaches don’t have anything helpful to tell you, except to “learn to love the rejection” and “toughen up and get used to it.” I disagree. Slogging through a 99+% rejection rate is sure to have a negative impact on your emotional state and self-esteem, to say nothing about it being a huge waste of your time.
However, there is another way that we all find out about products and buy things: marketing! With marketing, you see an advertisement about a product, or you do your own research. Let’s say you’re in the market for a new laptop computer. You compare dozens of specs and watch YouTube videos made by various manufacturers. Since independent YouTube reviewers are so popular, laptop manufacturers also give samples to these reviewers for marketing purposes. When you’ve made a decision, you walk into that Apple Store with your head up high. “Today’s the big day,” you say to yourself, “this is the one that I want!”
Imagine how that would be if you had to deal with salesmen instead? What if you had guys knocking on your door every day, “Wanna buy a laptop? Wanna buy a laptop?” Cold-approaching and pick-up artistry runs contrary to human nature. It feels as bad for you as it does to the girls that you’re approaching. Women have horny idiots in their faces all day, and if you’re presenting yourself to them in that way, as a “door to door sperm salesmen,” you’re going to deal with a lot of rejection.
But women do ultimately pick someone, much in the same way that you’ll pick out your next laptop computer. Women size up men according to their value from the pool of men that they know. Yes, they compare them feature for feature, pound for pound. Women do the choosing, and you will ultimately succeed with women by presenting your value to them in terms of marketing rather than sales.
Marketing doesn’t have any of the pressure behind it that sales does. You’re not perceived as trying to sell her something. With marketing yourself in the Sexual Marketplace, there are only three factors 1) That you are advertised, meaning that women are aware of your presence in the marketplace, 2) that you can present your value as compared to other men in that space (value proposition), and that 3) you appear to be the best option possible among your competition.
Women are hard-wired to do the choosing, so let them choose! Fortunately, though changes in lifestyle, you can better position yourself for success such that quality women choose you, rather than you having to pursue them all the time and fail at it until you ultimately get discouraged and give up.
Using the language of marketing, the particular pool of people that you’re looking to establish yourself in would be called a “vertical market.” Thus, you are the product, you will communicate your value as superior compared to other men (the hierarchy within that pool or tribe), and quality women will select you, meaning “voluntarily and willfully buy” as opposed to “being sold,” via pressure-based sales tactics. As Jeffrey Gitomer said in his book, Little Red Book of Selling, “People hate to be sold, but they love to buy!”
Pick-up artistry and cold-approaching women by the numbers doesn’t work because it treats women like they’re your competition. You hit the roads and beat up your “leads” until you get a “sale.” This is an improper method because it runs contrary to the natural way that women qualify men and select mates in the sexual marketplace. In the sexual marketplace, it is not women, but other men that are your direct competition.
TRIBALISM & THE DOMINANCE HIERARCHY
Have you ever wondered why women take their activities and their tastes so damned seriously? Sure, as men we like things, but for women it’s an identity. You might take yoga classes, but she defines herself as a “yoga chick.” She doesn’t just go on hikes, she is a “hiker.” In college I once knew a girl who was a big fan of the band REM, her email address was “REMgirl1983.”
The female ego is socially and tribally oriented. The male ego is action and combat oriented. In anthropological terms this makes perfect sense. The men’s job was to go to “work,” and that work involved hunting and tracking down game, as well as protecting the tribe from hostile neighboring tribes and fighting in wars if necessary. While the men were busy dealing with threats from without, the women were dealing with threats from within. Her job is to ensure that nobody is badmouthing or backstabbing your family unit. She keeps both ears open and safeguards your family’s reputation. This serves as protection against being ostracized by the tribe. Have you ever wondered why women love drama-based TV shows so much? It is obvious why men love action movies – it’s all about violence and adventure. Women are concerned with who’s talking shit about whom, who’s cheating on whom, who the “good girls” and the “bitches” are. It’s a direct reflection of the woman’s role in tribal society.
Women played an important role in maintaining the cohesion of the tribal unit. The tribe is the collective sense of “us, but not them.” Tribal consciousness exists today every bit as powerfully as it did when we were a cave-dwelling species. The form that this tribalism takes wears many guises, but the tribal unit is where the dominance hierarchy takes shape.
As Dr. Jordan Peterson said, “Women look up and across dominance hierarchies for a mate.” This is what I call Dominance Hierarchy Dating. It is a male’s social position within an established “market,” which is identical to a “dominance hierarchy” or “tribe.” When it comes to selecting a male, women lump men into three general categories, all of which are based on the notion of tribal cohesion and the dominance hierarchy contained within that tribe.
- Outsiders. These are what I call “Randos.” These are random loners that straggle between tribes and try desperately to get laid and to fit in. Women can sniff these guys out in a heartbeat. They know the difference between someone pretending to achieve status within their dominance hierarchy and someone genuine. Sometimes men start out as outsiders until they are welcomed by the tribe. This can be seen as an initiation period or “break-in” period. Men enforce and protect the integrity of their dominance hierarchies quite ruthlessly. When a new member wants to join a motorcycle club or a fraternity, there is usually a “hazing” period where the neophyte is treated like absolute shit and is given the most menial tasks in order to prove himself. This all serves to the benefit of the existing tribal members; the newcomer is not to challenge the higher status of men who have already been working to establish themselves in the hierarchy.
- Tribal Members. A woman will be much more likely to accept a date from a guy who is regularly showing up to her yoga class than some Rando who is trying to pick her up on the street. How often have you met a married couple who told you that “we met through friends?” Women feel immediately comfortable dating within their own social circles – their tribes! Women like to marry their brother’s best friend, their roommate’s cousin, their coworker’s buddy, etc. Tribal membership is a prerequisite and a lead-in for Tribal Leadership (see point #3). Most of my coaching clients that are struggling with meeting women are also socially isolated and do not participate in many social groups or activities. It is as if they expect that a beautiful woman is going to break in through their open window and profess her undying love for him. Dating is a social function; human beings are social creatures. It is important to learn how to fit in with any given social group, learn their customs and adopt their style of dress, etc. All of this speaks to tribal identity. Women know how to preserve the integrity of their tribe, and only like to date within it. Being simply a member of any given social group will yield you major results.
- Tribal Leaders. These are what I define as “Alpha Males.” I know that my definition in this context will vary quite a bit from how other authors in this space will define “Alpha.” Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male defines “Alpha” as a set of appearance-based traits and behaviors. There’s the muscular, hot-looking guy and/or the guy with a dominant, “don’t give a fuck” attitude and mindset. I have a different definition of an Alpha male, which I think makes more sense in the context of the tribal unit. In any given social group, the men “at the top” are the Alphas. It’s all relative. A guy could be skinny, have a man-bun and many effeminate characteristics, but if he’s the yoga instructor, he is the Alpha of that group. The Alpha is simply the man at the top, and the social group, or “tribe” provides the context. Women’s attraction to Alphas is so unwavering that I believe it is the only form of “dating game” that is worth practicing. Become the leader – the tennis instructor, the yoga instructor, the college professor, the CEO. Women throw themselves at men like this to the point where it is almost a cliché. In Dominance Hierarchy Dating, cliché is your best friend.
ALPHA = TRIBE + HEIRARCHY + LEADERSHIP
Men are suffering so much pain and confusion with getting dates and scoring high quality women. You come to a point when you realize that you are, for whatever reason, struggling to find a suitable partner, and naturally you turn to various self-proclaimed experts and dating gurus for a meaningful solution. All of these well-meaning “experts” claim to have the magical answer to your sexual frustrations. Neil Strauss, perhaps the most famous guru of pickup artistry, tells you to hit the streets and play the numbers, and basically do the door-to-door sales routine that we discussed. At one point in time I was a student of the Ross Jeffries’ Speed Seduction material, which is based entirely on Neuro Linguistic Programming. Just hypnotize women into bed with you, that’s the surefire answer! If it sounds too good to be true guys, it usually is.
Then we have the “looks maxxing” crowd, that focuses entirely on acquiring “Alpha looks.” Sure, women will sometimes throw their pussies at men who have hot bodies. There’s a popular YouTuber who likes to pick up on women with his shirt off in department stores and in restaurants. He can do that because he has the body of a Hanes underwear model with a face to match. Do edge-cases like this prove me wrong? Hardly, exceptions prove the rule. More importantly, exceptional people get exceptional results. If you’re genetically gifted, you don’t need pickup artistry. Sure, women make exceptions to the “Rando Rule” when ultra-hot bodies are involved or when the ultra-rich player rolls around the block in his Lamborghini. Again, exceptional people are entitled to exceptional results with women.
Yes, take care of your body and work out. Do everything you can to take care of your health, your looks, your money and your style. But in all honesty guys, you can’t always get that perfect body. It just isn’t possible for everyone, despite what health and fitness coaches (who will readily take your money) will promise you. It isn’t always easy to get abs in your 40s and 50s. I’m not saying that it’s impossible, and I’m not saying that isn’t worth the effort. What I am saying is that “looks-maxxing” is not a reliable, reproduceable course of action. Neither is, “I’ll just become a billionaire first,” etc.
So, we have “Alpha” defined by pick-up artists vaguely in terms of looks, behavior or personality traits. Thus far we have not seen a definition of an “Alpha Male” that uses the term in the purposes for which it was intended – which is as a ranking system. It is intended to leverage the classical Greek alphabet: Alpha being the number-one, the top-dog, Beta being the lieutenant, the number-two, and so on all the way down to the Omega.
If “Alpha is for everyone” then what’s the point of being an “Alpha?” The name implies that, if you’re the Alpha, you’re the only one. The silverback gorilla gets all the females, none of the other tribal members get to mate. The same is true for the Alpha-wolf in wolf tribes. Human beings are much more diverse and flexible in the kinds of hierarchies that will attract women. Women will choose amongst the tribal members. The most attractive women get the Alphas and Betas, while the more genetically challenged might have to settle for a Psi or an Omega. Tribal outsiders or “Randos” don’t even rank on the scale because they aren’t members. Of course, there are always exceptions, and remember that exceptional people are entitled to exceptional results.
I’ll give you two real-world examples from my personal life to further illustrate my theory, namely, that ALPHA = TRIBE + HEIRARCHY + LEADERSHIP.
Example #1 – Balding Indian Guy
When I lived in Los Angeles, I was curious if Transcendental Meditation (commonly called “TM”) would benefit my life. I took one of their free seminars and enrolled in a few classes and group meditation sessions. The director of the local chapter was a hot young woman, I would guess she was in her late twenties or early thirties. She was friendly but had that air of “armor” or dismissiveness toward the men in the class. Basically, she gave off the vibe that she wasn’t interested in dating or was already in a relationship. However, she encouraged all of us to “friend” her on Facebook. What woman doesn’t love attention?
Out of curiosity I took her up on her offer and sent her a friend-request, which she accepted. All of her pictures were of her with her boyfriend, and when I saw what her boyfriend looked like, my jaw hit the floor. There she was, this hot twenty-something white girl with a very odd-looking guy by traditional (totally NOT racist) American standards. He was much older than her, a skinny, weird-looking Indian man with no hair except for very long hair that he had grown out from the back of his head like an old hippy. “How did that wind up with that?” I clicked on his profile, as it turns out that he was the director of TM for the state of California!
This is an important case-study because it proves my theory about Dominance Hierarchy Dating perfectly. Under the guises of “Alpha looks,” “Pick-up” or “Beta game,” this pairing is confusing and doesn’t make any sense. The guy neither had a good body or good looks. He was failing at “Beta game” because he wasn’t particularly rich at all, in fact I have some insider knowledge that TM doesn’t pay their directors or instructors any amount that most would consider impressive. What he does have however, is status within his dominance hierarchy. It turns out that she met this guy at a national conference of TM professionals. Remember what I said about women taking their social circles so incredibly seriously, to the point of identity? Women are hard-wired to protect the reproductive integrity of their “tribe.”
You need to understand the system that is at play here. The “tribe” in this case was defined as “The Transcendental Meditation Professionals Community.” Yes, it sounds corporate-like and modern, but tribal consciousness is wired deep in the recesses of our unconscious minds. She defined this group as “my people,” and so she has a firm desire and preference to date men within her tribe. Along comes a man at the conference who we would consider to be quite unattractive by our standards. He introduces himself as the “Regional Director for the State of California.” To her, he is an alpha, a tribal leader. Women are sexually attracted to men with this kind of status and prestige within their tribal group.
As men, it is very difficult for us to understand this, because it is something that we simply don’t feel at all. We don’t care that Susan Boyle became a famous singer, because she looks like a fat walrus with a face to match. Sure, we think that supermodel A or hot-actress B are fuckable women, but that’s just because we know about them. Do you think your friend’s hot girlfriend is any less fuckable just because she isn’t famous?
This is just a fact of life that you’ll have to get used to. Men cannot empathize with women when they look up and across dominance hierarchies and make mate selections on that basis alone, often times with little regard to the guy’s looks or financial situation. It could be said that his social positioning within that hierarchy is another kind of “currency” that women actively look for. Women not only look for men with this kind of status, but they are genetically hard-wired to hold out for it, going without dates or sex for months at a time until they find the right guy who fits the bill.
Example #2 – Nerd Robert Gets a Career Change
I personally witnessed a friend named Robert undergo this change before my very eyes – from sexual zero to sexual hero, all within the span of nine months. Robert and I used to meet up for lunch sometimes and share our woes about women. I was stuck in a dead-end relationship with my asexual, bipolar girlfriend. Robert had no dates at all for quite a long time, but his ex-girlfriend was a bipolar nutcase as well.
Needless to say, we were both AFC’s, Average Frustrated Chumps, and we didn’t like that aspect of our lives at all. Robert is a cool guy but he’s also a bit of a left-wing social-justice type. He was always terrified that anything he said could be construed as “sexist” or “misogynistic.” He was a bit of a male feminist to top it all off. Sure, I was a bit of a mess at the time too, but I thought that Robert was a lost cause due to his nonsensical political beliefs and his feminist-oriented sense of morality.
Robert hated his job as a video editor, but he really loved new age spirituality and yoga. He would talk about becoming a yoga instructor. As any good friend should do, I would encourage him to do what he liked and take the necessary steps to change his career.
One day, Robert signed up for his 300-hour yoga instructor course. I didn’t see or hear from him much at all during that time as he was too busy studying for exams and practicing yoga. Nine months later he had finished the course and he hit me up again to catch up. He told me about how he got a class all of his own to teach at a nearby yoga studio. He told me all about what he was teaching and how happy he was to finally be teaching yoga for a living, even if it was just part-time.
“You know…” he said as an aside, “it’s done wonders for my dating life…”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well they just come up to me after class, they ask for my number and if I want to go out sometime.”
I was pretty shocked. “What kind of women are we talking here, are they fat pigs or are they hot… or what?”
“Oh, they’re perfect, gorgeous. Los Angeles eights, nines and tens with hot yoga bodies,” he smirked. Robert got me in to a few of his classes so that I could see all of this happen before my very eyes. Keep in mind: this was the Los Angeles yoga community. Every hot girl takes yoga. As with most yoga classes it had about a 3-to-1 female-to-male ratio, and most of the women were as he said: drop-dead perfect.
I watched as the ladies would eagerly welcome Robert to help get them “get in to pose,” so he was invited to touch them, putting his hands on their hips while they tried to get into yoga postures, etc. Nobody asked Robert for his phone number that day, but I could tell that he was telling the truth. On their way out they would walk up to him, smile at him and thank him for a wonderful class and make glowing eye contact with him. There was a lot of flirtation going on in Robert’s direction.
Note that all social hierarchies (tribes) are different and come with their own set of challenges and rules. Sure, everyone knows that lots of beautiful girls take yoga. These women are more sensitive and aware of disingenuous Randos that are taking a class or two just to pick up on women. However, they also know which men are the regulars and take yoga seriously (Tribal Members, remember?). Above all else and in any Tribal Group, the hierarchy always wins. There is no replacement for Tribal Leadership. When Robert got up there and started teaching, he immediately became an Alpha. That’s what you need to understand about becoming an Alpha, the Alpha is simply the top dog, the leader or big fish in the pond. The pond might be large, or it might be small. In the case of Robert’s life, he was the king of his yoga class. He wasn’t even the owner of the yoga school, or a chain of schools, or anything like that, but it doesn’t matter. The same rules apply.
The dominance hierarchy is about males competing with other males. The males that come out on top are selected by the best women. Virtually all mammal species do this. Male rams butt their heads together in “boxing matches” in order to prove which one is bigger, stronger and more aggressive. The females literally stand around in a circle and watch the males fight. They then mate with the ram that wins the most matches. Pick-up artistry tells you to “sell” yourself to women, as if women are your direct competition. This is not the natural way that humans are supposed to select partners. If you are struggling with women, it means that you are simply not participating in enough dominance hierarchies and/or you have not established yourself in the proper hierarchy that is right for you. You might have been a social reject in high school, but high school was only one of a limitless number of tribal groups and dominance hierarchies that you can participate in as an adult.
I knew a guy who was the most popular kid in high school. He was voted prom king and “most likely to succeed” in our yearbook. Sure, he dated cheerleaders at that time. He grew up to be a failed actor and a complete loser. Success in one hierarchy does not necessarily translate to success in another. I say this because so much of our formative years are spent in government schools, which present a very distorted and strange form of social hierarchy that is more akin to a prison than real life. Many of us are intelligent, thoughtful and creative men that have low self-esteem after being traumatized by these systems and being labeled as outcasts in the stupidly cruel dominance hierarchy known as “public education.”
Government schools or even Universities are nothing like real life. They lack the diversity of interests and types of people that are offered by dominance hierarchies in the real world. You were forced into government schools, where you either succeeded in that narrow dominance hierarchy or you failed and were ridiculed and humiliated for not fitting in. Now is the time for you to take an inventory of your talents and interests. It is time for you to do the work and invest in yourself so that you can find tribal groups in which you can belong and ultimately dominate. Your future need not be dictated by your past, and this is as true with women as it is with money or anything else!
THE HARE AND THE TORTOISE – DOMINATING YOUR HIERARCHY
Do you remember the children’s story by Aesop about The Hare and the Tortoise? It’s an old tale that tells a valuable lesson. Just in case you’ve never heard it before, I’ll summarize the tale for you here:
The hare was making fun of the slowness of his friend, the tortoise, and challenged him to a race. As expected, the hare started off with a burst of speed, while the tortoise had barely passed the starting line. The hare had left the tortoise in the dust, far off in the distance. The hare was so confident in his lead that he decided to rest for a while and take a nap. When the hare awakened, he realized that he had overslept. The tortoise in the meanwhile, had been slowly and diligently pursuing his goal, crossed the finish line and won the race. The hare apologized to the tortoise for his arrogance, having learned his lesson.
This is a perfect metaphor for Pickup Artistry (PUA) versus Dominance Hierarchy Dating (DHD). The pickup artists are hares. They run around town expending all of their energy trying to chat up random women and play the numbers game. They make up stupid pickup lines and interrupts. They annoy women constantly and face constant rejection. “Rejection leads to inevitable success!” they always say. They swipe right on hundreds of profiles on dating apps to get one or two regular chats and get flaked on or ghosted by the rest. Like the hare, they are teeming with undeserved arrogance and false pride. They try to make themselves appear and act better than other men, but it’s all meaningless frantic activity – it’s all show.
How many times have you seen the brash, half-drunken fools at nightclubs? They holler and act out foolishly in an attempt to garner female attention and to intimidate other men. They slobber over women, wasting their money on drinks and collecting worthless phone numbers and Snapchat handles. The next day there’s a hangover and a crash when the alcohol and drugs wear off – the hare pays the price by oversleeping. The hare gives the appearance of progress and activity, but it is just not so. Just as the PUA jumps around like a wild rabbit, it is all activity and no gain in any meaningful direction.
In contrast, the DHD guy, our virtuous tortoise, what does he do? He expends his energy in the long game. He invests his time, money and energy in the long process of self-development that will ultimately guarantee his success. He remembers when he used to play tennis in high school and that he was good at it. He researches an instructorship course at the local country club. It costs $2,000 and will take about six months to get, plus he’s a little rusty and needs to start playing again to get back in to shape, so he figures it will take about a year until he’s a viable entry-level instructor.
A year later he’s teaching classes and is enjoying more friends and social activity than he ever has before. The women in his classes fawn over him, they are asking him for dates.
I love to use the hare & tortoise metaphor. It proves my point that the hare is not faster (or saving more money) than the tortoise, it only appears to be so on the surface. A mere $100 per weekend partying habit will cost you $4,800 per year. That’s nearly 2.5x more expensive than the $2,000 tennis instructor course that I mentioned.
People with a hare-like mentality only think of the short-term costs and never the long-term gains. They’ll cringe when I suggest that they take a $2,000 tennis instructor course or a $3,000 yoga instructor course because it seems like a lot of money up-front. At the same time, they’ll defend to the death their partying and smoking habits because those habits are paid out in small chunks. One of the lessons that I’ve had to learn about money is that the small, regular forms of spending and savings add up to quite a lot in the long run. The tortoise strikes again!
The tortoise wins the race because his actions are meaningful, deliberate, and progress in a definite and reliable direction. After nine months of his yoga instructor training, my friend Robert was miles ahead of his partying buddies. After nine months of that nonsense they’re still back in that same old game, wearing overpriced dress shirts and going to the same old clubs. Sure, every once in a while, a partygoer manages to bring a drunk slut home, and sometimes these even result in relationships. These relationships are always dysfunctional however, so given the basis for the relationship, a few months later our club-dating friends will be back to ground-zero, doing it all over again. This is no basis for a quality life with women.
Rollo Tomassi often talks about “dread” in relationships. By this, he means that it is a good way to keep a relationship together if your female partner gets the sense that you are still seen as attractive to other females. She will not get fat or nag you too much because she knows that there is someone ready to take her out of the frame at any moment. I would like to further refine this idea, that “dread” is simply “fear,” and as I always like to say, “fear and respect are the same thing.” If you are in fact the tennis instructor, then your wife or girlfriend knows that she faces a lot of competition and needs to earn your affection constantly. Women actually enjoy that challenge, or that “fear,” as it means that she also respects you as a desirable male.
Your woman will no longer respect you if you take yourself out of the dominance hierarchies from which she picked you. This is a recipe for the “whipped man.” It is a sad-but-true and predictable feature of many marriages. What the woman is doing in this case is establishing herself as the Alpha and your home with her as the tribe. She actively attempts to steal you away from the sexual marketplace in which you were so successful and make you her slave. “You’re all about me now,” she subtly communicates.
Men who resist this kind of transfer of power will have happier lives with their female partners. No man wants to feel like they are subservient to a woman. Remember what I said about dominance and submission? When the wife submits to her husband, we have harmony. When the husband submits to the wife, we have misery. The best way to maintain the advantage of superiority in this power-play is to be loyal to your woman but maintain your position in the tribes and hierarchies that caused her to be attracted to you in the first place. If you were the Sargent at Arms in your Harley-riding club, don’t surrender that position just because you started dating a woman and she demands that you make more time for her. Now we can make sense of the often internally contradictory and nonsensical demands that women make of their men. Those very things (your position within the tribe and hierarchy) that turned her on to you and made her attracted to you, become very threatening to her once the bonds of a monogamous relationship begin to tighten.
Because women think tribally more so than men, she will assume that all women are conspiring to take you away from her because of your status within the hierarchy. The more established a male is within any given dominance hierarchy, the more competition among females there will be. Yes, that’s right, females compete too. Therefore, men should be aware of every woman’s tendency to stake her claim in her man and attempt to subvert his involvement in the dominance hierarchies such that she can possess him fully.
To her detriment, this kind of behavior hurts her cause, because although many wives are successful in pussy-whipping their husbands into submission, it turns out that they cease to be attracted to their men after a time. Fantasies about other men and infidelity are often the result. The best way to maintain a relationship is to, as Mr. Tomassi says, instill a kind of dread in your partner, but I would take this to mean to simply continue to invest in yourself and maintain your position within the tribes and hierarchies that caused her to become attracted to you in the first place.
IT JUST FEELS RIGHT
I will close this brief summary of Dominance Hierarchy Dating with this final point. Dominance Hierarchy Dating (DHD) is not another gimmick or false set of tools for pick-up artists. Dominance Hierarchy Dating is the real science of mate selection, meaning that by participating in it you are obeying the natural laws of female mate selection and biology. It is every man’s dream to have beautiful women approach him, without fear of rejection or dealing with all of the other let-downs that the standard dating entails. DHD also makes women feel good about their selection. Women feel as if they’ve won the lottery, because they want to feel like they are the ones doing the choosing. By you putting yourself in the top, or Alpha, position within a Dominance Hierarchy, you are making the women that choose you feel that they got the best man of the bunch!
The process of self-improvement also makes you feel good. It is the hero’s journey, in which the man is to conquer his own weaknesses and become a leader of men. Pick-up artistry, digital dating and “playing the numbers” leaves both men and women feeling bad – the men are sick of being devalued, and the women are sick of all the attention from the hordes of low-quality men.
Dominance Hierarchy Dating makes both men and women feel good about themselves because it is in harmony with human nature. Long live The Way of the Tortoise! Select your hierarchy, invest in yourself and the women will throw themselves at you!